blah blah blah anxiety

home root symptom carpet dim blinds corn saucepan crack bed plastic bag archie comics car grandparents london mom dad reverse wave knex no how 401 turn back rue sleeping bag apple sauce green navy expectation guilt raw pain red peppers frosted flakes strawberries elevator doctors office bagel car alison help duncan rachel get out escape fly control tums vicks cancer shit puke fart green lungs water smell nerves voices shape dizzy howl

i'm sick i'm sick i'm sick i feel sick.

i need my home. the root cause of my anxiety has blossomed into a mighty web of symptoms. from the childhood memories of vomiting on the carpet beside my parents bed with my father beside me to the dim slatted blinds in their bedroom and my sick bed. corn eated from a saucepan, regurgitated into a plastic bag in the middle of the night when bending over a toilet made the experience feel "too real". reading archie comics in the car with my grandparents on the road to london- the ultimate trauma. playing knex, thinking "no" and "how do i get out of this"

i have a chainsaw in my brain and a wail in my heart. my stomach inverts and my eyes pull back further in my head away from the probing fingers of reality. stop drinking from my cup, stop touching my mouth, stop eating my fries. don't breathe on me with your mouth open. don't tell me your parents have anxiety. the future is bleak if i must exist in this way.