Oh, incongruous

Do you ever feel cheated?

I do.

I feel cheated when I think about how I made this ability out of blood sweat tears and countless hours of lessons and practice and repetition and thought and just.. work. I worked so hard for so long to be able to play music like how I do now. And hey, it's not that I'm better than anyone else out there. It just takes a lot to be "good enough" to do this for a living and not seem like an avril lavigne, strumming a g chord once per song while maybe lip syncing.

So I have this skill set and guess what? I am completely lacking the life skills needed to do it for a living!

I am so afraid of traveling.
I hate it. I hate it on principle, in practice, in anticipation. I hate the weeks leading up to it when I have trouble functioning with sweaty palms and eyes lidded with ruminating thoughts of fear and self doubt. I hate the night before when I'm packing and I can't seem to placate myself no matter what I put in my suitcase! I hate the morning of when I can't eat and there's nothing to do but let myself be pulled along. I hate being away and knowing the world is continuing in spite of me. I hate entering a new city and not knowing where anything is. I hate arriving at the place I'm staying and not feeling at home. I hate setting off my first morning somewhere foreign to find food or coffee that doesn't suck and failing miserably. I hate feeling trapped by having so much free time and not knowing what to do with it, only knowing i don't know what to do or where I am. I hate not being in control. I hate counting sleeps till I get home. I hate not knowing where the clean washrooms are and above all else, I hate the hours between 8 and 11pm when the city shuts down and it's too early to sleep.

This is the last time I hope to write such a list. I'm trying to rewire my mind so that I can do things like go on tour. It's hard because I'm stubborn. It's hard because in addition to fearing travel I also fervently dislike it. Fear and loathing (I know, I know) create a perfect storm of avoidance I don't know how to get around. How do I get around this?!