Days 7 and 8

Denial is a funny thing. I've had a few people in the past while suggest-not too subtly, I may add- that I am struggling with an addiction.

More and more I agree with that theory because of this one erratic behavior pattern I've been forming. Basically what I do is I call my ex with a more or less innocuous ruse... "Hey, just calling because I wanted to know when that thing is due this month" or whatever. I then proceed to make small talk and listen absent mindedly not even to the words but to the voice. It's the strangest fucking thing. I don't even know what to call it; sitting there with the phone pressed to my ear talking about and listening to nothing but feeling like I'm being kept company better in those ten minutes than at any other point in the day.

So that's strange. And it seems like an addict move on my part because I get jittery in the moments leading up to speaking with them, then I feel this euphoric release when we talk, then I tense up when I know my "high" is about to end and once it does, I feel cold and empty. Like I just masturbated in a highway motel room by myself.

I am approaching that place where I piss my self off.