Denial is a funny thing. I've had a few people in the past while suggest-not too subtly, I may add- that I am struggling with an addiction.
More and more I agree with that theory because of this one erratic behavior pattern I've been forming. Basically what I do is I call my ex with a more or less innocuous ruse... "Hey, just calling because I wanted to know when that thing is due this month" or whatever. I then proceed to make small talk and listen absent mindedly not even to the words but to the voice. It's the strangest fucking thing. I don't even know what to call it; sitting there with the phone pressed to my ear talking about and listening to nothing but feeling like I'm being kept company better in those ten minutes than at any other point in the day.
So that's strange. And it seems like an addict move on my part because I get jittery in the moments leading up to speaking with them, then I feel this euphoric release when we talk, then I tense up when I know my "high" is about to end and once it does, I feel cold and empty. Like I just masturbated in a highway motel room by myself.
I am approaching that place where I piss my self off.
i assume you want to work with the addiction? here's a very unconventional suggestion:
ReplyDeletethe fact that it's an addiction which brings with it this kind of self-consciousness-- a self-consciousness that alters your unconscious landscape of linguistic associations in a way that the word "addiction" is suddenly crystallized out of the recesses of the mind and posited, retroactively, as a "cause"-- is the element in need of reconfiguration here...not so much the imaginary precincts of her presence as sheer vacuous sound that can materialize profound truth(s) about you (a process which ultimately only gestures toward the most primal addiction about which questioing can only ever arrive too late...): that of having a self that does not ground itself in groundlessness (change) in order to alter, very cunningly, the confines of that change.